I WOULD Change My Child

Let's be honest... (for 5 minutes)

At 4 am one would think that I would be trying to enjoy every second of sleep I could get my hands on. Of course I am absolutely tired but I find these hours to be the most peaceful in my house. I'm not tripping over rows of toys that my son has so meticulously lined up through out our house, I'm not rushing over to quickly throw a pillow under my kids head before they bang it on our tile floor out of frustration. I'm not de escalating a tantrum or having to rush to my daughter to take away what's left of the receipt she just scarfed down, I'm not pulling peanut butter sandwiches out of the DVD player. It's my time regardless how tired I am to reflect, to update my blog, to spend time with my husband, take an un interrupted shower that's longer than 3 minutes, to read my scriptures or to do Autism research.

I haven't been able to keep my thoughts from how much our lives have changed over these past 6 months since we got the diagnosis for our 2 oldest who happen to be 11 months apart in age by the way! (FYI: Breastfeeding is NOT a contraceptive no matter what your OB tells you ;) I was so adamant about only allowing myself that 1 week to grieve and then moving forward from there. I thought that if I grieved a minute more I would be doing my children a terrible injustice. I thought that I had to say all the right things like the phrase you frequently hear from parents in the ASD Community "I wouldn't change a thing about my child." I seem to choke on those words every time I am put in a position to force them out of my mouth because another person is telling me how sorry they are that my son and daughter have Autism.

You honestly wouldn't change your child if you could?

Well I would...in a freakishly fast second too. I love my children with all my heart but there are a few things I hate. I hate that my daughter will only let me hold her for a few seconds before she pulls away from me. That when she looks at me for the 2 seconds she can muster-she looks through me versus at me. I hate not knowing if I will ever hear her sweet little voice say "I love you mom." I hate worrying about who will look after her if something happens to my husband and I. I hate that she is inconsolable. That even as her mother I cannot calm her with my voice or my touch.

In the mornings when I get her from her bed she is usually pretty tired. So she rests her head on my shoulder and wraps her little arms around my neck as I carry her down to breakfast. That walk from her bedroom to the dining room is the shortest minute in my entire day. It's the only time she shows me affection in a single day. This is my daughter and this is a little piece of her Autism. Only another parent in my position would understand the ice cold sting Autism leaves on your heart at the end of most days.

I hate that my son screams out in agony each time he gets a hair cut and that it ends with both of us in tears. We have to schedule our appointment for when the salon closes so that people don't stare and children don't cry out of fear of my sons reaction. I hate that we have to restrain him while he screams, bites me, cries, throws up, and as his last resort as he starts to feel he's losing the fight-he looks at me with his swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks and desperately pleads with me to make them stop while all I can do is repeatedly whisper in his ear as I gently restrain his little body in my arms "I'm so sorry buddy, I'm so sorry." I hate that I inevitably worry about how other children are going to treat him (and react) because of his extremely poor social skills once he starts grade school. Kids are so mean today and parents tend to be just as bad in some cases. Tell me what decent mother wouldn't want to take this from her child?

We parents spend most days lying to ourselves telling ourselves the same 7 little words..."I wouldn't change a thing about _______" because in reality we can't bear to entertain the thought and the agonizing pain that would surely follow if we were to admit the secret our hearts possess...that we feel we've been robbed of our child and all of the hopes and dreams that immediately flooded our hearts when we held in our arms and gazed upon for the first time that tiny little newborn.

So you might be wondering how I could possibly put a positive spin on this post. Well here it is...these little babies of mine have made me a better person and I adore them. As simple as that. If there had been some sort of pre natal test that would have unveiled that my children would have Autism and I was given "the choice" (I recently read a disturbing article on this matter) there's no question or hesitation for my husband or myself. I love these little sweeties and I would choose them every time over having no children at all. They've taught me patience, how to love unconditionally, they've helped me to appreciate things that would otherwise be considered small to another parent. We don't worry about the tedious things that others our age (and sometimes a little bit older) tend to think about. Sincerely, this little speed bump has only made the connection between my husband and I that much stronger. When it comes down to it, our family unit of 5 is really all that matters to us.

(Above is our new little addition =)

Is Child with Passing Grades Eligible for Special Ed Under IDEA?

Answered at link below with the detailed laws specifying this:

http://www.wrightslaw.com/blog/?p=694

Autism After 16

A very resourceful website for those that have children a little bit older on the Spectrum.

Autism After 16

How to Bring Sexy Back In Your Marriage!

Whoo hoo! I know you all were sitting on the edge of your seats barely able to contain your excitement over this post!!! Or something like that!

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up with our kids and always taking care of everyones needs and then the important things get a back seat. A marriage needs nourishment. Embarrassing, but I'll share the things we do and then just hide behind anonymity

1) Most important, that's why it's #1, GIVE YOUR KIDS A BED TIME!!!! My kids have had a bed time since 6 months of age when I started doing a bed time routine with them. I know people that let their toddlers stay up to like 12 at night. Not here in this house. After 7:30 pm it's Mommy and Daddy time =) Seriously though, this is really important and it's never too late to start =) Even though our son doesn't sleep in a crib anymore, we still do the whole bed time routine with him at 7:30. He has a night light in his room and yes, of course he gets out of bed as soon as we shut the door. He plays with his dinosaurs until he's tired and then he crawls into bed. I have yet to find him asleep on the floor of his room =)

2) Schedule Date Night: I'm sure most of you are probably asking yourself what the heck that is ;) You don't have to have money or even a sitter to do date night! I plan ahead for my husbands days off. Once we put our kids to bed I pull out a yummy snack that I made earlier that day or we'll pop a bag of popcorn and pull out some ice cream, grab a big blanket, cuddle up and watch a movie together. We honestly never get tired of doing a movie because we get to cuddle. Sometimes we will play a game.

3) Going Out to Eat As a Family: Is it possible? Yes, it is.

A) You just have to pick somewhere noisy. Pick somewhere that no one will notice your son eating packet after packet of fry sauce, or your daughter throwing her fries on the floor once she's done eating. My husband and I have this awesome burger place (JCW's) that we go to that is always noisy and no one notices our kids. Or go somewhere where they have outside seating.

B) OR CALL AHEAD. Sometimes I enjoy going to Golden Chinese place so what I do is I call ahead and speak to a manger. I tell them we are coming in with two Autistic kiddos and would like to be put somewhere semi remote away from everyone else. I bring their sippy cups, wipes, bibs, crayons, books and a few toys in case they finish eating before we do and that does it!

C) OR pick up food and do a picnic outside! We do that a lot in the summer time. We pick a park that is away from traffic, has no water near by and nothing my daughter can jump off of and we eat outside. Usually I just make sandwiches and cut up watermelon, grab capri suns and a bag of chips and that's what we take for our picnic.


4) I wouldn't generally talk about something like this but it's kind of a big deal and remember, anonymity ;) SCHEDULE "SNUGGLE" TIME. It's so easy to get lost in all the things we do for our kids and the time we spend on them. You would think that being 27 and having 3 kids I would be more mature than to laugh each time my husband and I sit down and pull out the Calendar to schedule in our "snuggle" time but no. No, I'm not =) If it happens before the scheduled time, GREAT. If not then you have a set date and time! I know it sounds funny but it's important to schedule that in once a week or once every two weeks...ladies don't let your man die!, at the very LEAST once a month. Actually write it on the calendar (and disguise label it like "ice cream for mom and dad" it could save you from a potentially embarrassing moment if company comes and sees your calendar =) and treat it as an un moveable commitment which means you can't say you're tired or have a headache! 1) It keeps you close to each other 2) Reminds you both how much you love one another and keeps that connection strong 3) It can very well be a stress reliever. If you have Teenagers with Autism-plan for that. Make sure they are in bed/door is closed, have a lock on your bedroom door...you get it =)

5) Go on a drive together. My kids love to go on drives with the windows rolled down and we even take our chiweenie. It also gives my husband and I time to talk AND gets us all out of the house which is always nice.

6) There's no reason you can't stick to a healthy diet. After my kids go to bed my husband watches the baby for a bit while I prepare my meals and snacks for the next day. This way I can quickly grab healthy stuff that I put together the night before. I always have raw veggies and fresh fruits available for my grabbing instead of grabbing chips or a donut. I try to not bring those things into my home because they are so (yummy ;) easy to grab instead of something healthy. You eat healthy, you feel good =)

7) There's no reason you can't look cute while chasing your screaming kids around the house all day =) You don't need 2 hours to get ready. Look, here's a link for 7 no heat cute hair styles:
7 Cute No Heat Hair Styles
and below is the link that I use. I do this hair style on days my husband works and he's not home to watch the kids while I get ready.
Ashlie's Favorite, Cute, Easy, No Heat, Do-right-out-of the-shower-do! Thank you Pinterest! =)


8) Do you need a tan and don't want to get skin cancer or spend money? Well here's the solution! Malibu Hemp Self Tanning Lotion (@ Walmart) Ta Dah!! Insta Tan! I use this and love it. And no, it doesn't turn you Orange.


9) Victoria's Secret has AMAZING body lotion for $9 dollars a bottle. I always feel great when I smell good =) With your great smell, your tan and cute hair throw on a little lip gloss and mascara and you go rock those Yoga Pants girls! =)


10) Exercise. It's such a great thing. For me it's the ultimate stress reliever. When my husband is off, he will watch the kids for me for two hours while I go run my brains out. I do anywhere between 5 and 8 miles. But that's my enjoyment. For you it doesn't have to be running. Go for a walk around the block and get some fresh air =)

11) Take a few hours off. Is that possible? Yes. Yes it is. We sat down and on our calendar we EACH picked one day out of EVERY week where we get to leave the house (or hide in the bedroom) for 4 hours while the other stays home and holds the fort down =) This is a TREMENDOUS relief and something I look forward to every week because I KNOW I'm going to get that peaceful break. I use it to take a nap, or dye my hair and do my toenails. I'll make a project for the kids or whither away on Pinterest =) It doesn't matter, it's MY 4 hours.

When it comes down to it, if you feel cute and refreshed, you will feel better and happier.

For Those of You That Are LDS:

A few things to add to this list:

1) Always try to get a quick scripture in during the morning. I have the books with daily scriptures that I find quick and convenient. It can really make a long day better =)

2) Schedule in a Temple Day for you AND your husband once a month. Find someone from church or a member of your family. I have found that when people know your situation they are more than willing to help especially if it's only one day out of the month. This is probably the most important thing on this entire list =) It serves as a great reminder of the wonderful promises you made to each other when you married. Mark it on your Calendar and treat it like a commitment.

3) Take some time to read the Ensign Magazine with your husband. This is usually how we start off our date night. My husband and I will sit and read an article from it or we'll read a chapter from an LDS marriage/family book. We use to teach a marriage class at church so we have plenty of books on the subject with great stories from Church Leaders =)

To Everyone: I promise it's not impossible to do all of these things. It sounds like a lot but it's really not once you get into the habit.

How to Keep Your House and Sanity In Tact!

I receive anywhere between 15-25 emails a day from readers of my blog. Most asking the same questions so I decided to do a couple blog posts on these topics just for you.

First let me just clarify that I am an organized neat freak. Yes, that's right-I'm an organized neat freak and I have children [insert laugh here]. Even as a child my parents never had to tell me to clean my room =) As an additional note I'll remind you that I have two Autistic children ages 3 and 2 AND I have a newborn. Also add a crazy chi-weenie that I'm pretty sure has little dog syndrome ;) So hopefully my tips can help you out!

You Can Have Kids On The Spectrum AND A Clean House Too-no really, I'm serious =)

1) Kitchen and Dishes. Pick up as you go! Through out the day I will pick things up as I see them. If my kids want a snack I'll take things into the kitchen on my in. While I'm in there I will stick 2 or 3 things in the dishwasher. By the end of the day there's no dishes!

2) Set up a schedule/routine. I don't really have a set time for anything but I do have an "order" in which I do things. Don't sit there in awe over how amazing and easy this sounds. In between getting things done there are tantrums, toy throwing, melt downs, poopy blowouts, sitting on the dog, 2 year old streaking around the house, 3 year old shouting he wants to watch Barney instead...you get the picture? However when you have an order things will go much smoother than they could other wise. I started my kids on schedules when they were 6 mos. old so they are use to it. (My dad served in the Navy so schedules were what I was use to growing up. Plus Kids with ASD generally love routine.)

3) If your kids take a nap or have play time in their room use that time!!! I use that time to check my email, finish up laundry, do dishes, sweep or mop if I have to because they are in bed, I bake or relax and watch a movie or read a book =)

4) Laundry: Do it as you Go. Organize your Laundry room to make it easier and faster. We have separate laundry baskets for Lights, Whites and Darks so I rarely have to do any sorting. I just throw in the load. There is always laundry to be done in my house between bed sheets, towels, baby clothes, kid clothes so this tip helps me often. When I first wake up I let the dog out to go to the bathroom so I quickly go down stairs and throw in a load before I let him back in. It takes maybe 5 seconds. I do it during nap time as well.

5) Baby Gates: Use them =) When you have children on the spectrum baby gates will be your best friend! Keeps them in designated areas of the house and out of trouble for those few minutes you run down stairs to switch laundry loads or get them a snack from the kitchen or need a potty break. However my kids follow me to the bathroom so I have yet to know what it's like to enjoy going to bathroom alone without my kids watching my every move =)

6) Dinner: I hear SO MANY parents feel they have to eat out because they are just too busy with their child to make dinner. Are you ready for me to reveal my secret to frequent fabulous home cooked meals amongst a busy schedule?....

.....

.......

...........


The CROCK POT!!!! Ta Dah!! =) Ladies, the crock pot can become your best friend!!! I even have a blog you can frequent. It's good to have 2 crock pots, one for the main dish and one for a side dish and to invest in a rice maker. I love her blog and use it all the time 365 Days of Crock Pot Meals, Desserts, Side Dishes and Drinks! Dinner dilemma solved! No more yucky, make-your-bum-jiggle, kill-your-wallet fast food! =)

7) Cleaning the Bathroom: How many times do you use the bathroom a day? Exactly =) Same thing applies. do it as you "go" no pun intended ;) Maybe wipe off the counter one visit, wipe down the mirror another visit.




8) Organization: This can make your life go so much smoother and it allows you to do things quickly if you know where everything is. Organize your pantry into sauces, pasta, veggies, canned meats, beans/rice, soups, kids snacks and so on so you can just grab and throw together. I also have cleaning supplies in each room. This way I'm not running around the house looking for supplies. I keep Sanitizing wipes in the bathrooms, kitchen and laundry room so I can just grab and wipe down counter tops quickly. Keep extra trash bags IN your garbage pails underneath the liner so you don't have to run around to get trash bags. And yes, ALWAYS make sure you put cleaning supplies UP and AWAY from the kiddos.

9) Take a Mommy (or daddy =) Time Out and Here's How: It's ok! My husband and I aren't fans of spanking. My parents did that to me as a kid and I hated them more and more each time. so my husband and I said we would never. Sometimes being a parent in the Autism situation can have it's moments of EXTREME frustration. All of us have been there. Well on one ocassion I was so frustrated with my son, he kept taking things from my daughter, he pushed her at one point, he was having melt down after melt down and I ALMOST gave him a pat on the bum. I recognized it first and later that evening my husband and I sat down to come up with a plan since I am the stay at home mom while my husband works and finishes up school. So what we do now is when I feel things are getting out of hand we let him play in his room for 15 -20 minutes, we make sure first that there is nothing is in there that he can swallow or hurt himself with and we put up the baby gate in his door way. He has a lot of toys in his room so he really enjoys being in there. This allows me a MUCH NEEDED time out so I can continue to be a good mom through out the day with out turning into the wicked witch of the west =) We only have to do this about once every 2 days.

10) Don't blame everything on their Autism. Remember they were kids before they were Autistic. So they come with all that implies. On any given day of the week my living room looks like Toys R' Us threw up in it as well as their bedrooms and the hallways and in the summer, my back yard too =) And sometimes they wake up in the middle of the night. My first thought isn't usually "it's their Autism." Sometimes it's because they had an accident or they want some water.

**Coming tonight on my Blog: How to maintain a sizzling hot marriage!** You know you're excited for it ;)

And the Day Has Arrived...

I knew this day would come. I guess it's finally here! Now that my son and daughter are starting to get older people are starting to recognize something is different about them when we go out. Between my daughters spinning, clapping, flapping her hands and her noises that she makes and my sons random screaming episodes and banging his head on what ever he can find when he's frustrated people are starting to stare at them every where we go and then look to me like I'm a bad parent and my kids are brats because they don't know what Autism is.

We took our kids out for frozen yogurt yesterday and my son does ok at restaurants if I let him sit and play with silverware. He takes all of the forks and spoons from the table, puts them in a pile and starts to rummage his hands through them repeatedly. Stopping on occasion to grab a quick bite of food from his plate. Amidst all the "clinking" and "clattering" the silverware was making the woman at the table next to me would briefly look away from her family to throw us a dirty look as if our kids were ruining her lunch. It breaks my heart, I'm completely not used to this, to people acting like this towards me. And I live in Utah!!! Mormon land! Where everyone is sweet and smiles at each other (unless you are driving on I-15).

So I'm ordering them toddler t-shirts that will be strictly their "grocery store t's" or their "going out t's" if I know we're going to a sit down place. Here is what they say:

Shirt 1) "I'm not Naughty, I'm Autistic."
Shirt 2) "Discipline wont cure my Autism."
Shirt 3) "Spanking wont cure my Autism."
Shirt 4) "It's not bad Parenting, it's called Autism."
Shirt 5) "I'm not a spoiled brat, I'm Autistic"
Shirt 6) "Yes I'm Autistic. Stare if you must I'm not paying attention to you anyways"

The Super Cool Way To Watch TV

She loves to be 2 inches from the TV with her legs up! She is such a little hoot =) Thankfully studies show that computer screens are bad for our eyes and not tv's! =)